For The Love of Whales

Me: I ordered new anti-wrinkle cream.

Kevin: You know that's just whale sperm, right?

Me: Yeah. I know.

Kevin: All you have to do is find a whale and jack him off on your face.

Me: I know but last time I invited a bunch of whales over for a bukkake and it didn't do anything.

Mufasa's an Idiot

Kevin: Your breakfast is done, sweetie.

Me: (Clearly, he hasn't read what I just posted about him on Twitter or he wouldn't be calling me sweetie.)

****walk in kitchen****

Me: Thanks. I'm guessing you haven't checked your Twitter?

Kevin: Oh god, what did you say about me?

Me: Nothing.

Kevin: I'm in here making you breakfast and you're talking shit about me on Twitter?

Me: It's the circle of life.

Kevin: Oh, really?

Me: Yeah. Mufasa had it wrong.

Kevin: Apparently, so was Elton John.

The Cashew Gallery

Kevin: Bork bork bork!

Jill: No one needs comments from the cashew gallery.

Kevin: Not the peanut gallery, but the cashew gallery? Is that right next to the peanut gallery?

Jill: Yep. You are soft and bendy.

Kevin: HAHA! Nice. Nice set-up, dear.

Jill:That was fucking funny.

Theme Song

After hours of painstaking work I finally finished mine and Kevin's theme song. Here it is:

Jillzey...
Kevin...
Mostly Jillzey, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
Kevin, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too,
Jillzey, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,
Kevin, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now,
it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow
FUCK YEAH!

My Bid For Sainthood

For the past 16 months (as long as I've known Kevin in person) Kevin has been trying to convince me to acknowledge him in public. I have firmly held my ground and not given in. I am content to let everyone believe that he is just a homeless man following me around in public.

However, because I'm such a nice person and feel bad for his constant crying, I have developed a slight compromise and kind of acknowledge his existence in public. Mind you, not that I'm actually associated with him just that he exists.

How have I started doing this? Stop asking questions and I will tell you. I pinch him. Sometimes hard and sometimes just for a few minutes. It is sweet of me to acknowledge him, isn't it.

I Almost Peed

Here is the play-by-play I know you are waiting for:

Kevin's across the room.

I walk over to him.

He says, "Are you coming over to be nice?"

I fall on the floor laughing so hard I almost peed. Man, my stomach hurts now.

Golden Rule

I might be a dangerous bitch but I live by one rule:

What do you tell a Kevin with two black eyes and a broken nose? Nothing I haven't told him three times already.

Welcome!

Hi Kids!

Someone (I won’t name names) has been whining, like a little bitch, for me to do a blog with him. Finally, tired of pretending to listen, I agreed. So, here we are…The Kill Blog. Hopefully this will shut him up.

Sugarlumps and Kisses