For The Love of Whales

Me: I ordered new anti-wrinkle cream.

Kevin: You know that's just whale sperm, right?

Me: Yeah. I know.

Kevin: All you have to do is find a whale and jack him off on your face.

Me: I know but last time I invited a bunch of whales over for a bukkake and it didn't do anything.

Mufasa's an Idiot

Kevin: Your breakfast is done, sweetie.

Me: (Clearly, he hasn't read what I just posted about him on Twitter or he wouldn't be calling me sweetie.)

****walk in kitchen****

Me: Thanks. I'm guessing you haven't checked your Twitter?

Kevin: Oh god, what did you say about me?

Me: Nothing.

Kevin: I'm in here making you breakfast and you're talking shit about me on Twitter?

Me: It's the circle of life.

Kevin: Oh, really?

Me: Yeah. Mufasa had it wrong.

Kevin: Apparently, so was Elton John.

Conversations with Jillzey: "Gums"

As I am biting Jillz on the leg with my teeth over my lips.

Jill: What are you doing?

Me: Well, if you're ever gummed all over your knee by an old man with no teeth, no you know what that will feel like.

Jill: Babe, that's already happened.