The Cashew Gallery

Kevin: Bork bork bork!

Jill: No one needs comments from the cashew gallery.

Kevin: Not the peanut gallery, but the cashew gallery? Is that right next to the peanut gallery?

Jill: Yep. You are soft and bendy.

Kevin: HAHA! Nice. Nice set-up, dear.

Jill:That was fucking funny.

Conversations with Jillzey: "Gums"

As I am biting Jillz on the leg with my teeth over my lips.

Jill: What are you doing?

Me: Well, if you're ever gummed all over your knee by an old man with no teeth, no you know what that will feel like.

Jill: Babe, that's already happened.

Asshole in the House Tonight!

Here's tonight's string of asshole moves:

1. Kevin mentions how good hot chocolate would be but doesn't want to go get any at the store. Leaving me craving hot chocolate. (No, I can't go get it myself. That isn't how it works here)

2. Saying that he will settle for tea but not offering to make me any.

3. When I say that I'm going to make my own tea, since he didn't offer. He uses MY Steelers mug for his tea. Even though his mug is clean and sitting in the damn cupboard.

Now I don't have hot chocolate, I don't have any tea and I don't even have my goddamn Steelers mug to drink out of while I watch the goddamn Steelers game.

New Cooking Show

Per Kevin's suggestion I'll be hosting a new cooking show. I'm sure Food Network will pick it up soon and it'll be wildly popular. It's called:

What's Kevin Cooking Me For Dinner Tonight?

Basically, I sit on the couch. Sometimes I play on the Interwebs or possibly write a blog post (much like this) while Kevin is in the kitchen making my dinner. Each episode will involve me asking when it is done and avoiding (at all costs) helping.

Tonight's installment: Chicken Tacos

Stay tuned!

Public Shaming II

A few days ago, Jill posted something that offended my mom. Way to go, Jill! It's not very nice to go around offending people's mothers with all of your motherfucking profanity.

CHAT: Butt

Jill: My dad just butt dialed me, again today.

Me: Doesn't your father know that you and his butt are not on speaking terms?

Public Shaming

My dear, it pains me to point out that this morning you left the twist-tie off of the bread and scattered Cheetos crumbs all over the counter-top.

Now your friends all know that you are a neglectful bread-keeper and a Cheetos litterer.

I'm sorry it had to come to this.

Theme Song

After hours of painstaking work I finally finished mine and Kevin's theme song. Here it is:

Jillzey...
Kevin...
Mostly Jillzey, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
Kevin, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too,
Jillzey, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,
Kevin, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now,
it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow
FUCK YEAH!

My Bid For Sainthood

For the past 16 months (as long as I've known Kevin in person) Kevin has been trying to convince me to acknowledge him in public. I have firmly held my ground and not given in. I am content to let everyone believe that he is just a homeless man following me around in public.

However, because I'm such a nice person and feel bad for his constant crying, I have developed a slight compromise and kind of acknowledge his existence in public. Mind you, not that I'm actually associated with him just that he exists.

How have I started doing this? Stop asking questions and I will tell you. I pinch him. Sometimes hard and sometimes just for a few minutes. It is sweet of me to acknowledge him, isn't it.

I Almost Peed

Here is the play-by-play I know you are waiting for:

Kevin's across the room.

I walk over to him.

He says, "Are you coming over to be nice?"

I fall on the floor laughing so hard I almost peed. Man, my stomach hurts now.

CHAT: Apostrophe

After reading somebody's blog that had a simple punctuation error in the title.

----

me: Seriously, man, somebody needs to tell her, politely, how to pluralize.

Jill: Yeah. She is a sweet girl but not the brightest.

me: Sometimes I feel I was the only one paying attention in grammar school.

Jill: Not the only one but not nearly enough were.

me: If she absolutely insists on using an apostrophe, she should rename her blog to [NAME WITHHELD]. That would be fine.

GRRR.

Jill: Deep breaths.

me: I just get really upset by simple mistakes that are due entirely to laziness. It's not like it's THAT difficult to learn the rules of the apostrophe. It's a pretty straight-forward piece of punctuation.

Jill: Actually, it has a bendy in it.

me: I will destroy you.

Jill: You wish.

So, Why a Couple Blog?

I have not been shy with my derision for couple blogs. I even said to a friend recently, "Please don't do a couple blog." Yet, here I am with Jillzey, and we're doing a couple blog. What the hell happened?

Well, the thing I hate about couple blogs is that idea that as soon as you are with somebody, your individual identity ceases to exist. However, that's not really an issue with us, since we have our own blogs out there which will always be first priority. Also, there's the following little fact:

We're a better couple than you.

Yep. Sorry, dudes and lady-dudes. I know the truth hurts. The fact is that we are more entertaining and more attractive than you or any couple you know. I don't mean to come off as arrogant, it's just a fact. The cheetah is the fastest land mammal alive: does that make it arrogant if it says, "Hey, yeah, I'm pretty fast"? No, it does not. I'm sure if there were encyclopedias devoted to the subject of couplehood, we could simply flip to the appropriate page and present you with the printed evidence, but until (K)evin + J(ill) = KILL is considered a legitimate subject of academic study, I'm afraid we'll have to serve as our own.

So, yeah. The basic reason why we decided to do a couple blog is that we felt it was selfish of us to keep all of this awesome to our selves.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Golden Rule

I might be a dangerous bitch but I live by one rule:

What do you tell a Kevin with two black eyes and a broken nose? Nothing I haven't told him three times already.

Never in the Face

So, I broke the first rule of domestic bliss the other day, and the photographic evidence is in this blog's banner: I hit my woman in the face. Fuck. Now I have to make sure that she covers it up before she leaves the house, to prevent "inquiries". Like it's anybody else's business if I DEFEND MYSELF in my own home.

That's right: defense.

I'm not a woman-beater by desire. It's by NECESSITY.

That bitch is dangerous.

Welcome!

Hi Kids!

Someone (I won’t name names) has been whining, like a little bitch, for me to do a blog with him. Finally, tired of pretending to listen, I agreed. So, here we are…The Kill Blog. Hopefully this will shut him up.

Sugarlumps and Kisses

KILL--The Inaugural Post

Everybody else is doing it, so why can't we? Right? Jill and I both have our individual blogs, but we felt we needed a space to get our couple bliss on. This will be it!

Can you feel the love? Watch this space for any and all Kill-related news, pictures, videos, and horror stories.

If it's Kill, you'll find it here.

--Kevin